crude futures

*DE-DUSTED ARCHIVAL MATERIAL* Agrippinilla feeds Claudius poison mushrooms

de sepulchram:

Sunday, June 16, 2002 5:01 pm
Re: monsterpiece theatre

they made us watch it in Latin class in eight grade but the teacher hadn't
seen it and there's the part with the topless slave dancers!!!  Derrick
Jacobi is the man, and there totally is a guy named posthumous.  Just wait
till that Caligula names his horse a senator!!!

stutter stutter

andromicus

On Sun, 16 Jun 2002, Rebecka[h]h Rantovsky wrote:

> i'm watching the monsterpiece theater "i clavdivs" which my parents have
> on tape.  it is hilarious!   poison!  british accents!  acting!
> and it's shot on VIDEO or something!  heavy eyeliner!  british words like
> lavatory!  caligula just set the house on fire.  caligula is FUCKED UP,
> and he's only like nine.  he's already killed his father by 1) poisoning
> him with belladonna, and 2) frightening him with apparitions of dead
> babies hidden under the floor tiles, cock's feather's smeared with blood
> hidden among the sofa cushions, and a kitten with rudimentary wings like
> half-chewed up in the kitchen or something.  because his father,
> germanicus, was so superstitious.  caligula also has sex with his sister
> or something.  it's because he's so spolied.
> there is also a character named "posthumous!"  seriously!  this shit is
> great!  and patrick stewart is in it!
>
> rebecca
>

Pizza topping suggestons from the Canberra Institute of Technology Student Association

Font: DIN

FL dept. of corrections timeline

— not to be missed timeline of the Florida department of corrections: "a historical look at the Department of Corrections from its inception in 1821 to today, warts and all. In the web pages that follow, you will meet heroes and murderers, innocent victims and inadvertent agents of change"

SD [Brooks/Einstein]

super dave osborne is bob einstein who is albert brooks's brother.

one-hit google searches

My wife says that a list of six or seven of these followed by a "click here for more" tag would look better than this long list. I think she's probably right, but I'm not going to change it right now.

chog toodle
free dorge hasten
raster tryst whip noton
felter rung tins
weep sewa fry chins am
tinder flock posner legislature
plip gripping drab
autoflush eid ruby
bimmer gratin two
yeck stacker wamsutta
olay tiddle fluid foaming
skitch felt double tsunami bad tonight dawg
glitter glitch crutcher
jam butcher squirty pants tarmac
luffernutter
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knitricks
willpal
chistern chart
zingwitch
kids urinatrix friday
plotus rossa exposed
kind wyvernator
scribblington
hobby tastrix
rinpoche poacher coaching
arendt shopping mall swimteam
woycheck knock
toboganz
quay snist
rayzinz
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sompthing stew
canooey winners
international pornapple
porkbun thievery
evenrything seed
namezzzzzzzzz
bedzzzzzzzzzzzz
pikit gitt hitt pitt sitt
arkanoid saguaro men
bondt biftek
supermangs friends
zmazher moot
royalttee
sorghumb tourisms
baldy roy casper chons
horse lintament
chorusey trendswitch
swillswallower
wooden clibbar
miss pepa cupp
sleepy woofnwords
school of wacxon
bulkbag goody brat
gustan snowboard fumadora
nba remebler
dazzless buffet
sheeshaw holes
hardpard villareal

in fbdo, what's that sound?

In Ferris Bueller's Day Off, when Ben Stein is taking attendance, there's a shot of a drooling napping kid. Suddenly, there's a momentary sound -- like a really high-pitched pencil sharpener, or a high-velocity rotating metal cutter cutting into a flagpole -- and the sleeping guy wakes up. What is this sound?

highly unfulfilling THUD

Listening [NOT WATCHING] to the US Olympic softball team: rather than the APOCRYPHAL PING of the aluminum bat hitting a real baseball, you get to hear flat THUD sound of a softball being hit. it's like the sound of a dead body being hit with a real wooden bat. it's is completely without the ejaculatory excitement of the baseball + wood bat combo [CRACK]. I AM NOT AN AMERICAN PATRIOT, BUT THE SOUND OF A BASEBALL BEING HIT WITH A WOODEN BAT IS BEAUTIFUL!!!

this shit breaks down the THWACK vs. PING math-a-magix. the audio clips really lay down the facts.

in conclusion. aluminum bats are bullshit and softball is not a real sport. Crystl Bustos has displaced Crystal Waters as my favorite Cryst[a]l.

homework helps

I'm trying to write a short story called "Iacocca Titicaca" for my Craft Of Fiction class, but I'm stuck at the title, pretty much. NE thotxxcxxxxzzzzzzz? I want to open it with Iacocca standing on the lake's edge planning something BIG. Somewhere in the story he should get something put on his head.

mom-related story with disappointment, kissing, middle school, and leather

Around the time of my second date with my first girlfriend, I got five new SNES games for Christmas but not Super Castlevania IV, so I cried all Christmas afternoon until my mom came out with it. (She'd gift-wrapped Castlevania for my birthday, which is 16 days after Christmas.)

On my second date with my first girlfriend, we went to see A River Runs Through It with three of her friends (one of whom I used to visualize while singing the INXS song "Disappear" to myself). At the theater, my girlfriend's right thigh made my left hand feel hot. I leaned over and kissed her on the lips twice: once 20 minutes before the end of the movie and once right as the house lights came up. These were my first two girl-kisses ever. After we said goodnight at the entrance to the theater, I didn't talk to her for another three years.

My first girlfriend's mom, who I never really met, had a leather coat in every color of the rainbow. (On purpose.) Her dad owns a chain of bowling alleys in NW Ohio which hosts professional tour events. I never found out what her dad looks like, but he is very rich. I think he bowls. (Did he get rich owning bowling alleys?)

Not long before my teary Christmas and my second date, my mom bought me a plain black leather jacket at the mall. It wasn't a gift for any occasion. I wasn't supposed to discuss the price with my dad. I wanted my mom to buy me a White Sox leather jacket but she refused, saying she would not buy anything leather that had words on it. I had to get a plain leather jacket with cuffs that snapped. According to my grandpa, fabric cuffs, like the ones on my dad's leather jacket, were no good. Fabric cuffs wear out way before the leather jacket does, and then you have to pay to replace them. So get snaps.

A good year before I ever talked to my first girlfriend, everyone in Language Arts class had to write a William Carlos Williams-style poem for Poetry Week. Or, really, we had ten minutes to write three lines, the first of which had to be "So much depends upon a [noun]." My girlfriend's noun was "black leather bomber jacket." I haven't thought about it in a long time: my mom-bought leather jacket had a lot to do with why the girl liked me. In the 8th grade yearbook her front tooth was blacked out because the editor disliked her.

She obviously didn't like my hair, because after we stopped dating she and her friends referred to me as "Fromuck" -- a creative combination of "afro" and "mc" (the first part of my last name). When the middle school had a fund-raiser, she purchased a $5 cinder block in the wall of our commons area -- which we were allowed to paint with anything we wanted -- and painted "Fromuck maniacs his daddy" on it.