What is the origin of the expression "master sleeps on the floor"? Today I will eat a salad of aphorisms, cliches, euphemisms, platitudes, truisms, and chopped hard-boiled egg. A hearty salad, to be sure! I'll eat it from a porcelin-lined football helmet.
hi everyone! let's bust out the vintage wicker carpet beater and welcome me back in a dusty cloud of...ANTICLIMAX? dunno what i have been up to. i don't have funny freelance design projects to share swatches of like lovely mcMüller, nor am i a master drunkBlogger like dearest Showers. i'm just that dude. i've been on some FALL '03 throwback reclusive DVD/VHS-stylez this week. what part of my personality signed-off on that as SELF-EDIFYING, i'll never know. so yeah: NYPL ancient VHS copy of Brewster McCloud is DAMAGED, but they've got a 16mm print should you care to make a date with it! if you don't wanna go through all the bullshit, just watch Rooster Cogburn or Brewster's Millions.
WOAH! back ad of Publishers Weekly just hipped me to Creflo A. Dollar a proponent of the Prosperity Gospel published by WarnerFaith!!! isn't Creflo A. Dollar and a-m-a-z-i-n-g [pseudo]name?! it's almost Dewey, Cheatham & Howe-level, right? i'm too lazy and @ work to cast a larger net, Research or Contextualize this guy!
what's up, internet? How are you? Hey come here a second. I want to tell you something, internet, you stupid idiot. Whoa hold on I 'm just kidding. You're smart, Obviously, NASA and whatever, internet. But you are also stupid. This is like shouting at the ocean from a rowboat. The gulls, the cloudless sky. Ron Silliman's poetry blog, the major lift. I for no reason was trying to write fiction just now and made me want to crawl inside Stee Vee's eyesockets where I would commit holy seppuku. Why? Because it's the same crap I wrote when I tried to write fiction in fifth I mean eighth grade. I guess my consolation is that I haven't really done anything between then and now. "Jenna's fingerless gloves lay on the driver's seat of her BMW.... He selected a kiwi and took a bite...." etc. I have been stabbed in the eye by... people I love. Why did they stab me? Because I wrote a short story starring them and in the story I made them stab me. Parks insists that I go see Priestess tonight. I don't like metal-influenced things as much as he thinks I do but I'll go anyway.
In other news, Mardi Gras gay marriage butt-farms illicit Mirimax Disney farms??? Just kidding. I'm anti-caffeinated but maybe that means it's time for...
me to scan things more, and draw
listen... haiti election iraq shiite sunni orwell suisse vee subaru dell london stock exchange exchequer caffeine tab red bull gabe pumple stavros davos eagle nexus lorentz solondz tabla salsa weighty bolo tie verazano bridge howard "I fart ice" is an easy anagram of "Artifice". Scientists argue about what makes ice slippery. There is a fun camp for hackers to learn how to make money. there is a husband (bearded) and wife who are not rich, not poor, and have an amazing art collection amassed over the years, incl. baldessarris and other funstresses. I have made several really bad decisions, including the Children's author is popular. Two conservatives wrote books about Bush Jr., different viewpoints. Ritalin gives some people heartattacks. Why did I answer the phone just now? I was rude to old otto "by accident," personal euphemism for basically, lazily on purpose. I have a british gullet and an american truncheon. Israel is no longer going to send their tax fun money every month to Palestine because Hamas is sworn against Israel. Last night a female rabbi paid an unexpected visit to my chambers. SERIOUSLY I SWEAR THE PRECEDING SENTENCE IS TRUE, ALONG WITH THIS ONE. NOT THE NEXT ONE. Email me douggystine "at" technorati "dot" fuckyou!!! no but seriously hugs, reggae hugs to you. Massive reggae hugs to you. Hugs, hugs to you. If caffiene is a giant volcano that stretches up to heaven then I am in the anti-caffeine inferno, rocketing down a crumbling tunnel of black grounds into the devil's anus.
What if your natural state is affected? If the way you are, the way you were raised, is to be totally artificial, contrived? Does it still count as affection? I mean affectation? Is it possible to be naturally affected, or is it a binary, polar-type situation, one or the other, either genuine or fake, strong magnets in prepubescent mitts?
The irish fellow who provided the news about the sequel to Eyes Wide Shut writes, "Check this out, The Knacker-dwarf is a minor celebrity in Galway, an aggressive dwarf who is quite likely mentally unsound. My mate set up this funny but cruel site, and has been caught by the little man taking sneaky"
Also the other man, the man with a deep sadness wants me to riff towards this. I only come onto this blog when I'm hung over have you noticed that
I'm not as obsessed with London Fields as I seem, but I just [note: I have had this "rebelation" sitting in a text file on my desktop for a while. I am ashamed] made the connection between Nicola Six, the
("literal") femme fatale character in the novel,, and Nikki Sixx, the bass player for Motley
Crue. Not sure of the significance there, but there you are.
In other last week's news, Someone sent me a condom through Trojan's online condom sample request form. What a classic jape! It comes in a really innocuous looking white box with a return address of "young america", and in addition to a mint condom also contains a cheerful letter from Trojan. I showed the letter to my boss and threw the condom away.
This text file contains links from the week. I am not psyched about the sound the keyboard makes. High-pitched, lame.
Still from last week: I remember the first time Tony Lowe brought Found magazine into the student union building's coffeeshop called the decafe. Have you seen this magazine called "Lost"? I wonder if Found knows about Lost and vice versa. Obviously they do, and obviously I am a woman in her mid-thirties with smeared mascara and... poetry.......about my pets..........
to wit: there's a vice magazine, and a vice versa magazine... but is there a versa magazine? there's verse....
DOUG MYSTERIOSO: Hi Shower Feelings
SHOWER FEELINGS: Hey Doug you look rested
DM: yes I got my requisite eight last night and how about you
SF: ah, ha ha, ah, nah, more like six. plus tequila'll set you back farther.
DM: right ah ha. Why don't you tell me what you did last night in rich, loving detail
SF: fair enough doug. first I went to ata where there were five movies for five dollars. I was impressed with the quality of all of them. I was pleasantly surprised.
DM: I'm assuming the movies were all made by local filmmakers, all on Super 8?
SF: I think one of them was digital. Then I went to La Rondalla with two men, we drank several pitchers of margaritas. After that, a Subaru conveyed us to some downtown club, where there was a Grime CD release party. I danced to Grime music while wearing a sweatshirt and a canvas jacket I recently bought at a thrift store. Hey, Doug, I had a good time
DM: You had two beers at the club, then the Subaru conveyed you home. The ringing sound your keyboard makes is bugging you, but honestly what can you do? Setting the laptop on a table dampens it a little but not really.
DM: What puns did you think of during your night of drinking
SF: I was talking to my good friend and coe worker about how despite my cripplin' night blindness I'd still manage to have fun in a zero light camping music situation, with a little magnanimity and a flashlight. A maglight. A mini-maglite. Mini-magnanimity.
DM: Ha. your friend appreciated that one, in the darkened theater before the films began
SF: sure he did. Selfsame friend exhorted me to grab the mic at the grime performance, where men, including select anglos, were toasting or roasting or email friendship sobbing incest or whatever rapping over grime beats is called, but of course I wasn't about to, but had maybe some smirking side-spoken jesty toasts that I murmered to select anglos. My favorite of these involved repeated references to Dasani water, and I figured out that "My asthma" and "miasma" are homophobes!!!
DM: Phoebe the name rhymes with Ribi, like Giovanni Ribisi without the "is". It doesnay rhyme with "phobe," like isles of lesbos or whatever
SF: quit stealing my thunda
DM: I sold you my honda
SF: just kidding
DM: lets get a bite
SF: nah I made my self three egg onion tomato scramble plus coffee water and secret post egg supplement. I'm sated. My dad is rowdy and out and about but rather than hang out with him I think i'll... attend to some errands or something. really enjoying Mating right now, too. Not to mention balming the bonehead sadness
DM: ah dude as thom yorke would say
SF: as em forster would say
DM: as stee vee mcmuller performative rorel gruyere suisse pudding would say
SF: as http://kalinikta.blogspot.com/ or the yas yas girl etc would say
DM: stop it this is dumb
SF: Ham and eggs, somewhere in san francisco, are being prepared right now. I think up on ole Richland. Someone mentioned that last night.
DM: Hey I've got to go. Well, I actually don't have to go but you make me feel tiny, like a little fleck of sour cream on a roach's fat cheek
SF: you make me feel like a mistimed punchline in a calvin and hobbes cartoon
DM: you are like matt groening minus ... access to a scanner, or any talent, or friends who aren't going to gouge away
SF: your friends have turned their backs on the pixies, and the wonder of childhood, and themselves
DM: your friends have turned their passats into ploughshares, and hate you
SF: your friends aren't spoiled, they're sauteed in peanut oil for a few minutes. Then coconaut milk is added. The whole thing is brought to a boil, then the heat is turned low. Once your friends are soft, let sit for an additional twenty minutes. Now your friends are coconaut rice
DM: Brokeback Mountain is a breakthrough film
SF: Dan Nadel seems like a talented editor guy DM: shut up Showers, I'd like my coffee back now please
SF: one more sip [hushes the frowsy infant suckling the funny pin affixed to the breast of his flannel]
DM: there's only so much more of this
SF: there's only so much more of this
DM & SF: [in unison] There's only so much more of this cake!!!!
SF: Talk to you later
NARRATIVE ESSAY-SKETCH HOMEWORK #3:
"COME STACCATO-LY CLEAN ABOUT SOME PRETEEN STUFF"
In 5th grade I lied to Adil, Tony, and Rusty — my three best friends. The four of us were planning to get together on a Friday night and go see Halloween 5 in the theater. Everyone but me was cool with this plan. I told Tony I'd already seen Halloween 5 and my mom didn't want me going to see it again. That was my lie. I said my mom thought it was wasteful to see this movie in the theater twice. In reality I was afraid that if I watched Halloween 5 in the evening, I wouldn't be able to sleep afterwards, and I was embarrassed & scared by the thought of being sleepless & terrified during a sleepover at someone else's house.
Tony said that "wastefulness" was a stupid excuse not to see this movie that he and Adil had long wanted to see, especially since his or Adil's parents would be hosting the sleepover that evening. Also, Tony didn't believe I'd already seen it. "If you've seen Halloween 5, tell me what it's about." I told him it was stupid. I talked about what "the main killer" does in the movie: "The main killer kills a lot of people in a town." My invented plot details made Tony less convinced and more angry.
When Friday night finally came and we got to the theater, my three good friends ultra-compassionately agreed to respect me — their bad-liar scaredy-chat friend — and not make me "re-watch" Halloween 5. So then we had a new problem: we couldn't decide what to see instead of Halloween 5. So we speedily argued and frantically decided to buy tickets for the last 85% of Look Who's Talking, which I'd already (secretly and poetically-justly in terms of not just situation but also movie title & theme [babyish behavior]) seen in the theater with my parents. After the movie, we walked from the mall theater to the mall video arcade and spent about $10 each on Golden Axe. We also ate pizza. All in all it was a distinctly anti-maudlin, unwasteful night of adolescent awesomeness.
BONUS HOMESPUN-JOURNALIST STYLE "LEAVE THE READER WITH MILD LAFFS AND SHUCKSY HEAD-SHAKES" CODA: I saw the original John Carpenter/Jamie Lee Curtis Halloween for the first time just three years ago... and I've still never seen Halloween 5 or any of the other sequels!
You've said some of these interdimensionals masquerade as mere mortals to occupy powerful positions on our planet. Can you recognise them simply by looking a them?
It is often possible if you know what to look for - especially by the eyes. I once had an extraordinary experience with former prime minister Ted Heath. Both of his eyes, including the whites, turned jet black and I seemed to be looking into two black holes. This happened years before I got into the subjects I write about today. But when I began to meet people all over the world who told me of having the experience of seeing people's eyes turn black I knew exactly what they meant.
What is the future of humanity?
We are the fork in the road and it's choice time. I am speaking at the Brixton Academy in London on May 6th for seven hours, using hundreds of illustrations. The title of the presentation is: Freedom Or Fascism: The Time To Choose. It sums it up.
If you had your own chat show, who would you invite as your first guest?
George Bush, Tony Blair and Donald Rumsfeld all together. It would be candy from a baby when you know the real background to these people.
If you could recommend one place on Earth for people to visit, where would that be?