crude futures

Ted Danson, gay director of amateur porn

This morning — on the Internet — I chanced upon The Amateurs (2005/07). This pretty-much-direct-to-DVD movie (it was quietly released to six [6] U.S. theaters in late '07 and grossed roughly $10,000 at the domestic box office) hit video stores in February.

Just now — at Lost Weekend Video — I rented a copy. Can't wait to pop it into the DVD player this evening and watch it with Katie. (What an incredible cast!)



Steev is currently in Mexico. Tomorrow I'll be in LA for the day for Book Expo America. I fly out at 6:30 am and fly back at 8:30 pm. Ha ha. I feel like I'm "getting away with something" by not having to spend the night in LA. Brian 1, Los Angeles 0.

Other news:

• We're making grilled chicken for dinner.
  
  
• Click here for an insightful, meaningful new blog post by Katie.
  
  
• I got my hair cut at a professional salon three weeks ago or so. I enjoyed the experience. I'm enjoying the haircut.
  
  
• I dislike the photo of me that's on Katie's blog right now... the one where I'm holding a skull bib. No big deal.
  
  
• I've smoked zero cigars and played zero rounds of golf in 2008. Back in 2006, a friend I sometimes call "Chimney Doubloon" agreed to play a round of golf with me in 2008. Are you gonna be able to make good on that commitment, "Chimney"? I think we can probably make it happen
  
  
• Not news: watch this Zero Mostel thing. Watch the whole thing.

How long is a staple?

A staple is 0.5" long.

part Batman face, part frying pan, part Sharpie drawing, part flatbed scan

"Live Tonight on Wikipedia" #2 — citation needed!

hopefully perhaps positively likened unto brian's one Al Gore wiki examination, these badly needed citations in the Wikipedia entry for Hernán Cortés!

tortas de aceite

this post is basically contentless, but nonetheless i am gonna giddily squeal: "i have a new intensely burning snack fire/desire!!!". OMGz into the cosmic vanishing point, my friends. i'd never had tortas de aceite (which also have lil' anise seeds in them) until Cabinet magazine's Sina Najafi proffered 'em to me during a catch-Up/bro-Out/get-down-to-biz session we had 6 weeks or so ago. (i am a connected, happening guy. i share tasty imported snax w. people like this alllllll the time!) in addition to the olive oil, these things have some sugar sprinkled on them. and they are wrapped in really pleasingly tactile wax paper. i don't even care if these effin tortas are now some offensive meme or have been recently productively-placed in a terrible contemporary television program or something.

i am popping a dumb-crazy amount of the these into my mouff

mcMüller's (illustrated, linked) Christmas list — chapter 1

There's a bunch of right-down-my-alley artwork on eBay right now that I would buy (for myself) if Katie would let me. She won't let me buy it, though (fair enough), so I'm doing as my mom and dad always used to advise: I'm putting it on my Christmas list.

To make things easy for you, I'm including prices, illustrations, and links to the eBay pages on which these items can be purchased.

MY CHRISTMAS LIST — CHAPTER 1
Drawing of terrified children cowering in a corner, $39.99:



Original Al Jaffee artwork (from MAD #262), $29.99:



Dave Berg art (from a 1966 MAD book), $195.95:





1988 portrait of Mike Dukakis as an incompetent infielder (from the back cover of MAD #282), $295.00:



That does it for chapter 1. I'll report back on the success of this little experiment at the end of December....

It's May 5, 2008 in San Francisco

In this issue:

• today's drawing
  
• four of seven Yelpers (57%) say "dick" in their negative reviews of my neighborhood bike shop
• today's bike ride to work
  
• The Wiggle

TODAY'S DRAWING


NOMAD CYCLERY
Last week, Nomad Cyclery gave my bike a much-needed tune up.

NUMBER OF YELP REVIEWS FOR NOMAD CYCLERY: 11
NUMBER OF REVIEWS THAT CONTAIN STRONG NEGATIVE REMARKS: 7
NUMBER OF REVIEWS THAT USE THE WORD "DICK" TO DESCRIBE THE STAFF: 4
WAS THE STAFF DICKY TO ME? SORT OF. As soon as I walked in the door, the much-Yelp-maligned "older guy" barked a string of complaints about the condition of my bike. No problem; I thought it was funny and endearing: the guy likes bikes and can't bear to see a dusty, neglected-looking one. The older guy's manner became less (and less) funny as he went on and on, repeating his complaints. Enough already. My turn to talk. Just please tell me what you can do, and help me understand what I need. $160 is the minimum? Are you sure? Hm. [...] Less money if you don't "dip the derailleur" and don't replace the chain (which you said is actually fine)? OK. Let's have you do everything but "dip the derailleur" and replace the chain, then. MEANWHILE: The younger staff guy said I might consider buying a new bike, and he walked over to a $479 bike and said, "This bike is very popular." But wait... I'm just here for a tune up. Is my bike worth tuning up? Yes, you say? OK, well, then let's get on with it. You guys are the only bike shop nearby that's open on Sundays for repairs. Let's get on with it. I have to call my wife first because this is going to cost more than I thought it would. Hang on. [...] "Consider how much you save by not owning a car," you say? Thanks.

TODAY'S BIKE RIDE TO WORK
Today I rode to work and back for the second time. Last Thursday was the first time, and boy did my butt hurt when I got home. That's the worst part of commuting on a bike: it hurts my butt (even though I have a gel cover on the seat). The morning after the first ride is—in my experience—€”the worst. Legs OK; raw butt on fire. I'm not as sore tonight—my second night—as I was the first night. My butt's becoming callous.

Here's a look at the path I took to work today. Including the accidental looping detour I took at the edge of the park, today's ride was about 5.7 miles and took me about 45 minutes. The ride home this evening was maybe 40 minutes.



THE WIGGLE
A couple weeks ago, Crude Futures alumnus (and San Fran denizen) Shower Feelings told me about "The Wiggle" — a zig-zaggy bike route through central San Francisco that keeps riders on more-or-less level ground—mercifully and almost magically—in an area of the city that is particularly hill-wealthy. (San Francisco is a hilly place anyway. Lots different than NYC in that respect.) Thanks to Shower Feelings, my butt hurts less than it might.

prezidential horse race

well, i really hate to link to a "piece" written by bloated adult fraternity member Jake Tapper, but...CLICK ON HIS FACE:

ABC News' Karen Travers reports that Clinton told supporters in Jeffersonville, Ind., earlier this week, "I hope that everybody will go to the derby on Saturday and place just a little money on the filly for me. I won’t be able to be there this year -- my daughter is going to be there and so she has strict instructions to bet on Eight Belles."

Travers also points out that Eight Belles' trainer, Larry Jones, returned the love. "It looks like it could be the year for the girls," he said. "Eight Belles I’m sure would want to endorse."

so the underdog filly that Hillary endorsed DID heroically finish 2nd (H's current position in the epic race she is running), but she tragically fracturing both her ankles and had to be put down immediately after the race.

i think if H wants to tie her metaphorical star to this situation, let's tease out all those implications! clearly Hillary: a) has fractured both of her ideological ankles b) is gonna finish second to "Big Brown" c) needs to be put down, bigtime d) SORREE!!!

Check back soon for more Crude Futures

Meanwhile:

• today's drawing
  
• this evening's entry in c.f.'s signature meta-tag "diarrhy" (w/personal details)
  
• Richard Gere/Marvel poll
  
• more fine print (more personal details)

META: cold hands; kitchen nook; San Francisco; jaywalking; Serrano's slices; Steev just watched Ishar and said it was hilarious; I'd like to see Ishtar now; NYT says Tina Fey is no Elaine May; Iron Man was good, today was good; I just watched American Gigolo (written + directed by Paul Schrader) for the first time; Hector Elizondo is in at least three Richard Gere movies; "The proper way to view a real Rothko"; I'm currently reading & enjoying WIELAND, an American novel published when John Adams was president; WIELAND features a badass badguy called Carwin the Biloquist.

What Marvel Comics film roles could
Richard Gere conceivably (or not so conceivably) play?

• Richard Gere as Henry "Hank" Pym, aka Ant-Man/Giant-Man in an Avengers movie?
• Richard Gere as Karnak the Inhuman in another bad Fantastic Four movie?
• Richard Gere as Ringer in a Captain America movie?
  
• Richard Gere as Ego in a Thor movie?
  
• Richard Gere as...?

META: Glock experts debunk a Die Hard 2 tall-tale Glock; Katie and I will soon order Indian pizza online from this place down the street; Last week, Katie and Veronica and I ate sushi where Chris Isaak reportedly ate sushi at least once; I miss Gorilla Coffee but Ritual is an eerie Gorilla–Gimme! hybrid; ground beef and milk are cheaper and better in San Francisco than they are in Brooklyn, on average; the cost of a one-bedroom apartment is higher in San Francisco than it is in Brooklyn, on average; a one-bedroom apartment is bigger in San Francisco than it is in Brooklyn, on average; I rode my bike to and from work on Thursday; my butt was very sore on Friday; Katie and I went to the OB/GYN on Friday and heard the baby's heartbeat again; the baby is reportedly healthy; we don't yet know the sex of the baby and we're not sure, yet, if we're going to find out the sex in advance of the birth; I think we probably will find out, but who knows; I don't know.