crude futures

If Dr. Hennigar Starts to Growl

I just handwrote a note to Dr. Hennigar and safety-pinned it to the chest of my T-shirt.

"If you start to growl, I'm going to start calling you Drrrrrrr. Hennigar," the note says.

Dr. Hennigar, who is not real, hasn't yet joined me in the examination room. I can't wait for him to get in here and see this note.

If Dr. Hennigar does (or does not) offer a verbal acknowledgment of the note, I'll ask him to take a close look—a good look—at the note:

"If you start to growl, I'm going to start calling you Drrrrrrr. Hennigar," the note says. That's all it says.

If Dr. Hennigar says something now—or if he says nothing now—I will ask him to take one more look at the note:

"If you start to growl, I'm going to start calling you Drrrrrrr. Hennigar."

At this point—no matter what—I will say one more thing:

"Toopaf is a word I just made up, just now, Dr. Hennigar. Toopaf."

Toopaf is a word with a secret meaning. (Secret until now, that is. When I tell you the meaning of toopaf—and I'm about to tell you—poof. No more secret.)

A toopaf is any made-up word that is invented first and assigned meaning later.

Here are three examples of toopafs:

• fedsao
• gedpadan
• estasoot

Until meaning is assigned to these words, their inventor—who is me—will say this:

"The meaning of [fedsao / gedpadan / estasoot / etc] is a secret."

The meaning of a toopaf is always declared a secret until its inventor—who is always me, historically—has determined its meaning (or meanings) and decided to reveal it (or them).

Like any word, a toopaf might have more than one meaning; and a toopaf always has a finite number of meanings.

If Dr. Hennigar ever starts to growl—and if I'm there to hear it, or even if I just hear about it—I'll have to figure out a good way to pronounce "Drrrrrrr."

Yourewelcomestaking

My name is Kon — Kon Ransfa, spelled kayowennarrayenesseffay.

I live in a forgettable house, but there's another whole house underground, upside down, beneath my house. That place is unforgettable. Gravity is reversed down there, so the kitchen table sticks to the ceiling (but the ceiling feels like the floor; you can't tell it's the ceiling).

I guess the boringness of my house was so boring that it bored a big hole in the ground. And then I furnished it.

It's dark down there; it's weird down there. You forget it's dark.

I take my three best friends down there once a year—into the hole beneath my non-Goddamned house—for a holiday called Yourewelcomestaking. It's always a great time—especially for me, especially for them, especially for everyone. Here's how Yourewelcomestaking works: you all go around the kitchen table and take turns saying something great about yourself that everyone else should be thankful for. (For example: I like to solicit thanks for my earnest attempt to be a great friend. "I'm really trying my best, and I think I'm doin' better than ever.") Then the other people say, "Thank you, Kon, for your friendship." They mean it when they say it, and they say it because we love each other. And then I say, "You're welcome."

It's always been just the four of us—me, Matt DeWalle, Mike Gardner, and Lou Briarcliff—but I might open it up to more people next year, but I'm not sure. Yourewelcomestaking is the first Thursday in February. I'll let you know if I send out a save-the-date.

(It's just a story, about how there's a reverse-gravity hole beneath my house. What I really do is just decorate my kitchen to make it look like we're underground, in some magical place. Ain't no actual magic. "Dark underground reverse-gravity house hole" is just the Yourewelcomestaking holiday motif.)

The official (misspelled) STUDENT'S FOR MCCAIN pen — only $6.00 at johnmccain.com

Check it out:

STUDENT'S FOR MCCAIN pens are now in stock at johnmccain.com.



Can you believe these babies only cost six dollars?

Gene Siskel and I, bless our hearts, "really liked Rocky IV a lot"

Last night, Steev texted me from Brazil to let me know he was watching Rocky IV (dubbed in Portuguese).

Speaking of Rocky IV, check out Roger Ebert's surprised reaction to Gene Siskel's funny positive review:

warm berry butter

There's a brunch place in Park Slope, Brooklyn that gives you hot mini-muffins and warm berry butter. It's supposed to be really good.

Don't call them "LEGOS"

LEGO catalogues in the 1970s and '80s argued against the use of the plural form "LEGOS":

"The word LEGO is a brand name and is very special to all of us in the LEGO Group Companies. We would sincerely like your help in keeping it special. Please always refer to our bricks as 'LEGO Bricks or Toys' and not 'LEGOS.' By doing so, you will be helping to protect and preserve a brand of which we are very proud and that stands for quality the world over. Thank you! Susan Williams, Consumer Services."

Hmmm... I don't see how calling them "LEGOS" takes away the specialness of the brand name. Do you? Can you brainstorm a way or two that using the word "LEGOS" might harm the LEGO brand?

(According to the LEGO article on Wikipedia, that Susan Williams catalog note is real.)

he ran the old Cup 'o Pizza guy out of business

hi all, i am currently rambling through brasil, but wanted to take a moment to share:

i had a bite of my friend's...the problem of molten tomato sauce squirting out of the cone is solved by the use of tomato chunks instead. i can´t say it was the most practical and tasty way to eat pizza (as advertized above), but hey. oh, and there were little spritzer bottles of olive oil on all the tables. watch this video below and let me know if you would be interested in pooling franchise money to bring this amazing concept to NYC.

"Caring Girl Poem" by Shawn Johnson

I am a caring girl who loves to flip.
I wonder what the world will be like in 100 years.
I hear the uplifting laughter of children.
I see colorful daisies swaying in the wind.
I want the ones I love to be with me forever.
I am a caring girl who loves to flip.

I pretend I am flying without wings.
I feel the warm sunshine on my face.
I touch the hearts of those I can.
I worry of war and loss.
I cry to think my family is in pain.
I am a caring girl who loves to flip.

I understand that nothing is easy.
I say everything happens for a reason.
I dream of one day the world is in peace.
I try to see the good in everything.
I am a caring girl who loves to flip.

"Caring Girl Poem" is one of several poems appearing in the "Inspiration" section of the official website of Shawn Johnson, 2008 Olympic Silver Medalist in Women's All-Around Gymnastics.

every time B***** O**** shows yr mom's intellectual

i know what Lord Jamar is saying ~3:25 of Brand Nubian's 1990 single "All For One"...what's it sound like to you?

Anne Lamott face grate coincidence

Last Wednesday night, I drank a pint of Racer 5, one of my favorite beers, at Amnesia, the friendly bar next to my "office." After I paid for my refreshing pint, I returned to my laptop and wrote a Crude Futures blogpost titled "Now You're Drain Grate Face." It's a short story about a person with an iron grate for a face.

Believe it or not, that 89-hour-old blogpost marks the first time I've written — or even really stopped to think about— the concept of a grate incorporated into a human face.

Apparently, thinking and writing about human face grates isn't so uncommon. Take this passage Katie and I read last night in Anne Lamott's Operating Instructions, for example:

Sam* sort of played with a rattle today, but he kept whacking himself in the eye. He has huge round saucer eyes. They make me remember a Pauline Kael review years ago where she referred to someone's eyes as big blue headlights. Megan suggested that I should get Sam little grates to cover them so that things don't fall in.

How strange to read about face grates in an Anne Lamott book just a few nights after I, myself, wrote a story about a face grate. I think I'll send a copy of my story to Anne Lamott.

* Sam is Lamott's newborn baby; Operating Instructions (1993) is Lamott's 1989–90 journal of her son's first year of life. Katie and I are reading this book for fun, because we both like Anne Lamott (although I haven't read her in almost ten years) and we both like reading books together occasionally. Also, our own son is due on October 14th.