crude futures

Sale on Monogrammed Guitars at Pottery Barn Teen

Kylie's guitar matches her pillow. (Was $199, now $129.)





Aimee got a non-returnable acoustic guitar and bag set. (Was $179, now $129.)

My cute friend Nusa C. makes fun of Don Fruk's ironic similes

DON FRUK: As hairy as a bowling ball.

NUSA C.: As hairy as a bowling ball with a lot of hair.

DON FRUK: As balanced as an upturned pyramid.

NUSA C.: As balanced as an upturned pyramid doing a handstand.

DON FRUK: As smooth as sandpaper.

NUSA C.: As smooth as sandpaper that doesn't work on any surface.

DON FRUK: As cuddly as a cactus.

NUSA C. As cuddly as a cactus that gives you a million dollars when you hug it. You're sexually attracted to the cactus.

DON FRUK: As bulletproof as spongecake.

NUSA C.: As bulletproof as bulletproof spongecake.

DON FRUK: As subtle as a sledgehammer.

NUSA C.: Nobody noticed the sledgehammer. It was subtle.

DON FRUK: As fast as a three-legged cheetah wearing a state-of-the-art leg prosthetic.

NUSA C.: As fast as a three-legged cheetah in a world the exact size of the cheetah. The cheetah is everywhere, and cannot be outrun.

DON FRUK: That doesn't make the cheetah fast.

NUSA C.: Tell that to the cheetah. Travel to his planet, land, and bargain.

DON FRUK: But—

NUSA C.: You win, then, if it matters. It doesn't matter. You... I can't... Ready?

DON FRUK: As straight as a circle.

NUSA C.: As straight as a circle from the point of view of the man running around the surface of the circle. For him, it's a neverending straight line, a race forever.